Currently my biggest fear, health issues for me and mine notwithstanding, is to return home to Greece without having achieved anything. I know I can dance around what “anything” means (sure, I learned how to cook, kinda) but I know what I mean, so there is no point in trying. By achieving something I mean finding a) the means to stay in Manchester on my own and/or b) a good reason to stay in Manchester.
I can harp on about how “everybody wants experienced workers” and all that, but the truth of the matter is, I don’t feel like I am giving it my best shot. I am procrastinating like hell and I postpone things constantly.
I haven’t written anything for my Leiden entry essay, the distant “summer deadline” is now a very real “less than a month” and my attempts to find work are half-arsed at best.
My own whining about how I whine about not doing stuff is something that annoys me to no end, I can’t imagine how annoying it must be to all those who hear me whining.
I read somewhere that in order to change you need two things: contrast and a catalyst.
The way I understood it, contrast will make you see the difference between where you are and where you want to be. It’s a change in the environment (did not know there was a second N in that word,thanks spell-check!), meeting someone different,and just new experiences in general.
So if contrast is the map, the thing that shows you where you want to go, the catalyst would be the wind (I am thinking sailing here). It’s a drastic, sudden change that becomes the push from the tipping point that will set you on your new journey and that will make you stay the course.
I am quite covered on the contrast part.
I find that the catalyst is missing though.
As I understand it, it doesn’t have to be an external one.
It could very well come from within.
But for me I just don’t see that coming.
Something else must be done.
For all I know all this could be elaborate excuses I am telling myself to justify my inaction.
I am quite good at rationalizing my laziness after all. Maybe it’s just that.
One advice I got and I am currently spinning in my head is the “Just do stuff”, no matter what, just do stuff. Run, paint miniatures, cook,work on a video game, write articles, apply for a job, go for a photo walk, read a book, anything really.
That is supposed to trick my brain into first gear, in the “moving forward” mode, momentum should take things over after.
As much as it pains me to admit it, I have become aware for quite some time now that if I have a stable internet connection, the days go whooshing by. Sure I will maybe read a really interesting article and see one genuinely funny video, but that would be a drop in the daily ocean of data that I shift through.
When I was applying for the NHS, I had to fill out a questionnaire on alcoholism ( Funny story: back then I thought that 1 unit meant 1 can of beer or something so I gladly answered that I can consume quite a few units easily, anyway) one of the questions was something along the lines of “Have you noticed that drinking alcohol affects your daily social functions?”
Now, without being sure, if that question had instead of alcohol asked me about the internet, I think I would have answered yes.
I shudder to think what this might mean and the very thought of cutting off the Internet is something that makes me genuinely uncomfortable, which in turn is further evidence.
Could I be looking at the change I need right in the face or am I looking for more excuses?
~Garret
Garret, I couldn’t relate more to the things you’ve written, since I’ve been going through the same phase… for some time now. “Just do stuff” actually works (most of the time, for me) and you, YES YOU, have loads of talent (oh how I admire your flickr!) to achieve great things. The fact that you decided to move to a different country is already a success in itself, for that matter. Count your blessings and live the life of the awesome individual (you already are) – and as for the quite real internet addiction, there’s no need for me to say anything on that because it’s entirely up to you how you manage your time and how you set your priorities… One thing that helped me with combating internet addiction is making lists of the things I want to achieve, simple lists at first, like go out for a walk tomorrow, draw a doodle every week. And then when you achieve these little things, bigger things don’t seem that challenging anymore. (hellooo captain obvious) Just crossing off stuff on your list gives you a sense of empowerment and the will to go even further. Anyway, too much nonsensical talking. *flies away in a rainbow cloud*
Thank you for the kind words! :3 Coming from such a creative racoon it means a lot to me. It’s true lists help, the relationship between doing something and striking it off a list is quite tangible.
We’re all having this problem so I think we should “quit” (or do a thirty days offline thing or something) together. I mean, you guys are a big part of why I’m online. It would feel really great if we went offline and supported eachother in the process. Plus, we could found an internet anonymous or something like that. I’m sure that would be a hit, there’s a big demand out there for less internet…
To me, the catalyst isn’t the wind. The catalyst isn’t what will keep you going, it’s what you need to begin the process of change. Therefore, the catalyst, going with your sailing analogy, would be pulling the anchor…
Also, I have to ask: why is the prospect of not achieving anything so scary? You don’t have to answer, as the real answer might be quite personal, but do think about it.
How would the IAs even communicate? Will there be a cheat day/hour?
I guess your description of a catalyst is closer to what i was trying to say.
As far as not achieving anything and why it frightens me, the best explanation I can give is that it will feel like I failed myself, it will be quite apparent that what I thought I could and what I can are not the same. Now if we go deeper and question how I decide what I believe I am…
We could allow Skype for sevelar hours every day. And we could have a single day for web browsing.
That’s the thing with achieving and procrastination though: if you never try anything, you never really find out if you would fail or not, which is good for the ego: you keep thinking that only if you set your mind to anything, you’d be able to do it. But you see what happens.
Okay let’s do this. Who is in? Let’s do a test week?
Do you copy?